Women call me ugly occasionally, but that’s only until they hear how much money I make...
Then they say I’m poor and ugly.
There was a sign hanging in the window of a dry cleaners I passed by.
It read: "So-and-So Dry Cleaners. Working on the same spot for 72 years!"
Optimist: The glass is half full.
Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Mother: Why didn’t you use a coaster?
I applied for a job as a weatherman, but my knowledge of meteorology was a little cloudy.