You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor.

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That darned pink elephant followed me home again.

Two beefy men came to my house to install some new floor covering in the kitchen. Once they had moved the stove and refrigerator out of the way, it was not long before the job was done.

As they were getting ready to leave, I asked them to put the heavy appliances back in place.

The two men demanded $45 for this service, stating it was not in their contract.

I really had no choice but to pay them.

As soon as they left, however, the doorbell rang. It was the two men. They asked me to move my car, which was blocking their van.

I told them my fee was $45.

A manufacturer retired and moved to the country. He put on denims, boots, and a plaid shirt, and became a country gentleman. An old friend came to visit. The country gentleman showed him around.

In the barn, chewing at straw nonchalantly, was the farm's pride and joy, a horse. The host asked, "Wanna go for a buggy ride?"

"I've never been in a buggy," the guest said.

"I go riding just about every day. I hitch up and ride through the woods."

The country gentleman started to harness up the horse, but the animal, happy enough in the barn, resisted having the bit put in his mouth. It was obvious that the new farmer had no idea of how to harness a horse. After the tenth attempt to get the horse to open its mouth so the bit could be slipped in, the guest said, "Why don't you wait until he yawns?"