(Dentist) This is going to pinch a little.

(Patient) I love the way you guys substitute words like 'pinch' for 'pain'.

(Dentist) You're right. Hang on to your chair, this is going to hurt like hell.

As you get older a person needs to make certain adjustments...

Things like never keep the chili powder next to the cinnamon.

"Hello 911, my wife passed out, but wait, I think she's starting to come to again."

(911) "What happened just before she passed out?"

"I asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner."

(911) "Then what happened?"

"She said, 'On a Monday night?' and then she passed out."

(911) "No worries then, she'll be fine. I get a rash of these calls when they cancel Monday night football."