(Husband to wife) If I could write a check for a million dollars, I could afford to be eccentric.

(Wife) Keep working at it honey, at this point in time you can only afford to be delusional.

A man goes into a patent office. He tells the clerk that he’s invented a baseball bat that dings when you hit the ball.

The clerk yells into the back room, "Hey Frank, it’s your turn, we have another 'ding bat'!"

I found an ugly creature dead in my son's bedroom. My son said it was an alien brain sucker.

Apparently it starved to death.

A guy asked his lawyer, "If I pay off crooks, is it illegal?"

The lawyer replies, "Yes, you'd be involved in a conspiracy."

"Good," said the man, been looking for a way to avoid paying my taxes!