The English teacher asks if any student can name two words that don’t belong together in a sentence.

Little Johnny raised his hand, "I know, I know… 'man bun' right?"

My girlfriend’s father wants her to marry a man of means. He said he would give me her hand in marriage if I can afford to burn ten thousand dollars as if it were nothing.

Without hesitation I wrote a check for ten grand and burnt it right before his eyes.

I’m still single.

Wife mouse asks husband mouse how he’s able to bring home so much food...

He answered by saying, "I’m a gentleman mouse. I always bring someone with me and when we find food I say, 'you first.'"

I took a tumble down the stairs twice last week...

Apparently that’s how I roll.