I work a lot but still want to help around the house and with the kids. My wife asked me to do the dishes, put the kids to bed and read a bedtime story.

The next day she had no assignments for me so I asked why. She informed me that I just don’t have the skill set and that she had to redo the dishes.

I said how about the bedtime story thing? She said, well, ok, but this time you have to read it out loud.

What seems to be your challenge Mr. Smith?
Well Doc, I’m a compulsive liar.
You’re telling the truth right now aren’t you!
No.

Mr. Smith one of your statements has to be the truth!
Not really!
And why not?
I’m omnipotent

So you have a God complex whereas anything is possible?
No, that’s my name.
Your parents named you omnipotent?!?!
No

Mr. Jones (skeptical voice)
What?
You’re not telling me the truth here!
That’s what I said in the first place Doc.

Yes, you did say that. When did you recognize that you’re a liar?
I’m not a liar.
Yes you are, you’ve been lying to me.
No I didn’t! I think you’re projecting. You’re the liar!

I’m the Doctor and you’re the liar.
I knew this was a waste of my time; I’m leaving! Good luck with your problem Doc!
Well at least you don’t hold grudges!
Yes I do! (As the door closes behind him).

Is it Friday yet?

A grandfather and grandson were taking a nature hike together. The grandfather remarked how nature can teach us many lessons. The grandson asked which lesson was the most important one he had learned.

The grandfather replied, "Well, if you find a baby squirrel in the woods, don’t carry it in your shirt unless you’re wearing a very tight belt."