Grandpa: I can't find the send button on my cell phone.
Granddaughter: I see the problem grandpa, you're using a calculator.

Grandpa: It's always a calculated risk doing things without my reading glasses.
Granddaughter: No wonder things didn't add up.
Grandpa: Very "Punny" young lady, you're as bad as I am!

Granddaughter: And exactly how did you arrive at that equation?
Grandpa: Time for my nap, I rest my case!

I told my friend I wanted to join the military. My friend told me that the coast guard wouldn’t take me because I’m not six feet tall.

"Why does a person need to be six feet tall?" I asked.

He said, "That way if your boat goes down you can wade to shore."

The Parish father passed away. He left two hundred dollars to each nun in his will. The nuns were each deciding how best to serve others with the money they had received. Sister Mary Catherine noticed a man in tattered clothing sitting on the curb across the street. She walked up to the man, handed him the 200 dollars and said, “God's Speed.”

A week later a well dressed man came to the Parish and asked for Sister Mary Catherine. She soon arrived and noticed it was the very man she had given the two hundred dollars. The man handed her a fist full of cash and said, "Here's your share! I went to the track as you suggested and God's Speed took first place at twenty eight to one."

A hiker fell off a cliff and was hurt so badly he had to be air lifted to the hospital. They were wheeling his gurney to the emergency room when a nurse asked, "Are you allergic to anything?"

The man answered, “Heights.”