A mother and daughter were reading tea leaves in the bottom of their cups during lunch. Wanting to get attention the little brother said, "that’s nothing" as he flung spaghetti on the wall. He told his mother and sister that spaghetti was a much more reliable source for reading the future.

The mother took a close look at the spaghetti as it slid down the wall. She said, "I think you’re right, do you see that noodle? It’s telling me you’ll be grounded for a week."

Have you finished your chores?
I had to stay after school and talk to my teacher.

Once again, have you finished your chores?
My teacher said I have selective hearing.

Please don’t change the subject, did you take out the trash like I asked?
Oh, I thought you said Billy had to take it out this week.

Wife: You’re an hour late getting home from work again!
Husband: I had to work late.
Wife: I can see blue chalk on your fingers; are you sure you didn’t stop by and play billiards with the guys before you came home?
Husband: (pause) err ah.. I’m using blue chalk at work to mark our outgoing shipments and white chalk to mark the received shipments. I’ve found this method to be quite efficient.

The next night he comes home on time and sits down to dinner.

Husband: We’ve been married ten years and you’ve never made TV dinners. You know I don’t like TV dinners.
Wife: It’s not a TV dinner!
Husband: Then why is it in a TV type severing tray and not on a plate.
Wife: (zero hesitation) I buy the tins and cook your entire dinner at once. I’ve found this method to be quite efficient.

Dad, why is mother so forgetful? My friend Bobby is from Buffalo, when I asked mom where I came from she said I need to talk with you.