This is the best weight loss diet...

If it taste good, spit it out!

Every Sunday afternoon a mother found a candy bar wrapper in her young sons room. She finally had to ask, "Johnny why do I find a candy bar wrapper in your room every Sunday after church?"

He answered by saying that God gave him the money and he used it to buy a candy bar. The mother quickly replied, "God gave it to you? How did this happen?"

"Well mom, you give me a dollar to give to God. So before church every Sunday I throw it up into the air. I figure if God wants it he'll take it. If not, it will fall back down to me."

Do you know why medical facilities in Phoenix, Arizona treat substantially more tourist for heat exhaustion every summer than they do locals?

It’s because tourist think you can actually tan outside.

"Hey Mom, my DNA sample results are back from the genealogy place. According to the report I have 44 points of Neanderthal DNA. Does that mean I’m related to a cave man?"

"Yes, dear, it’s from your father’s side of the family."