Two aliens landed their spacecraft in a creek next to a rural farm. They disembarked the saucer, getting themselves soaked from the muddy water.

The first person the aliens saw was a ten year old boy fishing close by. The aliens said, "We want to see your leader but we don't know what to expect?"

The boy replied, "Well, I suspect you'll get grounded for two weeks for tracking mud in the house."

My daughter asked if I could help her explain the concept of “modern math” to her youngest. I said sure, he just needs practical life experience and he’ll understand.

Just take him to the store, pass it a few times, then circle it once or twice before you pull into the parking lot.

If you send a birthday card to your grandkids, don’t write in cursive...

... Or you’ll get a text asking you to decode it.

I took on a car pool rider so I could use the diamond lane. She’s a twenty year old blonde, but after all these years her seams are giving out, so I’ll need to buy a new one.