Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out...

Good news is I can usually sedate him with three or four cupcakes.

Definition of Family Planning:

The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

Why do cowboys need two spurs?

Are they afraid one side of the horse might take off galloping by itself?

I know someone who had her face lifted so many times, the doctor ran out of skin, so he took some skin off her right thumb and grafted it onto her nose.

Now, every time she goes hitchhiking, her nose shoves to the right.