Did you hear about the ninety-two-year old man who married a woman of eighty-four?

They spent their entire honeymoon getting out of the car.

Ventriloquist: Hey buddy. Why don't you spell Apple for the audience.

Dummy: Can I go to the bathroom first?

Ventriloquist: Come on just spell Apple.

Dummy: I really need to go.

Ventriloquist: Just spell Apple first.

Dummy: All right. Apple. A-L-E

Ventriloquist: A-L-E? What happened to the P-P?

Dummy: It's running down your arm.

You know you're getting old, when walk past a cemetery and two guys begin running after you with shovels.

Husband: Tell me what you'd like for your birthday.

Wife: Frankly, I'd like a divorce.

Husband: Yikes! I wasn't planning on spending that much!