One day a drunk minister gets pulled over by a police officer.

Police Officer: Have you been drinking alcohol?

Minister: No, sir. Just this bottle of water.

Police Officer: That looks like a bottle of Chardonnay to me.

Minister: (looking up) Sweet Jesus! You've done it again!

A guy in a bar, trying a new pick-up line, says to a girl, "Do you like raisins?"

She says, "No, sorry."

He then says, "Do you like nuts?"

She says, "No, sorry."

Finally he says, "How about a date?"

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer from the agony of defeat.

What's the difference between a jeweler, a vendor, and a bottle of glue?

A jeweler sells watches.
A vendor watches what he sells.

As for the bottle of glue, I thought you might have got stuck with that one.