The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him.

The judge gave me 15 years.

Problem solved.

You do not need a parachute to go skydiving...

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree.

"You can't cut me down," the tree exclaims, "I'm a talking tree!"

The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

I saw a man stealing groceries the other day while on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.

He got charged with shoplifting on two counts.