My eleven month old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, “Straighten her up.”

I looked at my daughter and said, “Young lady, what are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It’s time to grow up.”

My wife didn't find it as amusing as I did.

New research found that pigeons can actually be taught to read and write.

Once the researchers finished teaching the pigeon, the first thing it wrote was, “Get a life, man.”

Kanye West recently gave his wife, Kim Kardashian, a massive second diamond engagement ring.

Kim said, “Wow, thank you so much.”

While every married guy in America said, “Yeah, thanks A LOT Kanye!”

“Today,” said the professor, “I will be lecturing about the kidneys, intestines, pancreas, and the liver.”

One med student leaned toward his friend sitting next to him, “Great, we have to sit through another organ recital.”