A six-year-old boy called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.

"But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."

I attempted being a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

Why do fish live in saltwater?

Because pepper water makes them sneeze.

Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don't work.