I used to spin toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune...

Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe!

Sarah dropped in on her sister Molly and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee, her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.

"What's wrong Molly?" she asked.

Molly told her that she had morning sickness.

Surprised, Sarah said, "Hurray! I didn't even know you were pregnant!"

"I'm not," the harried middle-aged mother replied. "I'm just sick of mornings."

Fresh from a visit to the dentist, I decided to stop at my bank. Barely able to enunciate, I told the teller, "I'm sorry about not speaking more clearly. I've been to the dentist."

"You should have used the drive-through," she said.

"Why?"

"Everyone who goes through sounds like you," she explained.

A telemarketer calls, "I would like to speak with Max, please."

The homeowner reluctantly replies, "I suppose that would be possible, but it seems rather strange."

The telemarketer responds, "Why would that be?"

The homeowner answers, "This is the first time we've ever had a call for the dog."