I have to find a new gym... the one I have now isn't working out!

I'm really busy next week, I have two back to back appointments with my chiropractor on Wednesday...

I fired him once, but I took him back!

I really hate drug tests, they really piss me off...

But once urine the system...

What did the mortician say when his assistant suddenly quit on him?

"Go ahead, it's your funeral!"