Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish:

DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER.

The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, “Papers?”

I replied, “Scissors, I win” and drove off.

I think he wants a re-match because he’s been following me for 45 minutes.

What two words contain the most letters?

Post office.

What occurs once in a minute, twice in a moment, but never in an hour?

The letter 'M'.