Two rules to success in life...

1. Don't tell people everything you know.

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife...

Husband: I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet!

Inspector: What is her height?

Husband: I never checked, she's five feet something...

Inspector: Slim or healthy?

Husband: Not slim, she can be healthy.

Inspector: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Inspector: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes according to season.

Inspector: What was she wearing?

Husband: Not sure. It may have been a suit or maybe shorts.

Inspector: Was she driving?

Husband: Yes.

Inspector: Tell me what kind of car she was driving?

Husband: A black 2015 Corvette Z06, with supercharged 6.2 liter V8 engine generating 625 horse power teamed with an eight-speed track certified HD automatic transmission with paddle shifters and a removable carbon fiber roof pan!

The one nice thing about narcissists is that they don’t talk about other people!

I once had an hourglass figure... Unfortunately, the sands shifted.