Jake is 5 and learning to read. He points at a picture in a zoo book and says, "Look Mama! It's a frickin' elephant!"

The mom reacts, and takes a deep breath. "What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!"

The mom grabs the book and takes a look. Her son was right, the book read "African Elephant".

An old man went to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all over his body. After a thorough examination, the doctor gave him a clean bill of health.

“You’re in excellent shape for a 75-year-old man,” he said. “But I’m afraid I can’t make you any younger.”

“Who asked you to make me younger?” the man replied. “You just make sure I keep getting older!”

"Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"

"No, this is how I dress when I go to work..."

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.

The teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?"

Grandpa replies, "Nope."

"Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?"

"A wedding ring."