Jerry was sitting down for breakfast one morning when he was astonished to see in the paper an announcment of his own death.

He called his friend at once, "Jim, have you seen the announcement of my death in the paper?"

Jim replied, "Yes, and exactly where are you calling from?"

On his first day back to work after the birth of his son, Randy's supervisor said, "I understand you have a new youngster at your house?"

Randy glanced around apprehensively, "For heaven's sake, you can't hear him all the way out here, can you?"

Mary Jane: "Your husband's birthday is coming up. What are you getting him?"

Wife: "Oh, 100 of his favorite cigars."

Mary Jane: "What did you pay for them?"

Wife: "Nothing! For the last few months I have taken one or two from his box daily. He has not noticed and will be delighted with my ability in getting the kind he always smoked."

Maddi: "But you've only known the man for two weeks! You're not thinking of marrying him are you?"

Julia: "Well it isn't as if he's a total stranger... I have a girlfriend that was engaged to him for several years."