How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?

Ten-tickles!

A limbo champion walked into a bar...

He was disqualified.

Interviewer: "What would you consider one of your strengths?"

Me: "I perform under pressure..."

Interviewer: "Can you get give me an example?"

Me: (deep breath) "Mm ba ba de Um bum ba de Um bu bu ba de PRESSURE, pushing down on me..."

I phoned my work this morning and said, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today, I have a wee cough.”

He said, “You have a wee cough?”

I said, “Really? Thanks boss, I could use a week off!"