Why did James Bond have gray hair?
Because he had no time to dye.
The master, to impress on his pupils the need of thinking before speaking, told them to count to fifty before saying anything important, and one hundred if it was very important.
Next day he was speaking, standing with his back to the fire, when he noticed several lips moving rapidly.
Suddenly the whole class shouted: "Ninety eight, ninety-nine, one hundred... Your coat's on fire, sir!"
Dean of Students: "And where have you been for the last week?"
Student: "Stop me if you've heard this one..."
"Bill's nowhere near the fool he was."
"Has he reformed?"
"No, he's dieting."