A man visits his psychiatrist and talks about being haunted by visions of his departed relatives. He says; these ghosts are perched on the tops of fence posts around my garden every night. They sit there and watch me and watch me. What can I do?
The psychiatrist says; that's easy … just sharpen the tops of the posts.

A driving instructor: What would you do if you were going up an icy hill and the motor stalled and brakes failed?
His student replied; I’d quickly adjust the rearview mirror.

Employer: We can pay you 75 dollars a week now and 100 dollars a week in eight months.
Applicant: Thank you. I’ll drop back in eight months.

A guy to a friend: “After three sets golf clubs and ten years of lessons, I am finally getting some fun out of golf. I quit.”