I had plastic surgery last week. My wife cut up my credit cards

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer

A man takes his son tiger hunting. They’re creeping through the weeds and the man says, “Son, this hunt marks your passage into manhood. Do you have any questions? And the boy says, “Yes, if the tiger kills you, how do I get home?”

Q: What did the spider say to the beetle?
A: “Stop bugging me.”