After twelve years in prison, a man finally escapes. When he gets home, filthy and exhausted, his wife says, “Where have you been? You escaped eight ours ago!”

A frantic woman had dialed 911.
“Police, fire, or ambulance?” asked the operator.
“I want a vet!” demanded the panic-stricken woman.
“A vet?” said the operator in surprise.
“What for?”
“To open by bulldog’s jaws.”
“But why did you call 911?”
“There’s a burglar in them.”

Two women were talking at a party, and one said, “Look at that awful-looking man over there… isn’t he hideous? I think he must be the most unattractive man I’ve ever seen in my life!”
“That happens to be my husband!” said the second icily.
“Oh dear,” said the first, covered in confusion, “I’m so sorry.”
To which the unfortunate wife replied, “You’re sorry…?”

The moving man was struggling to get a large bureau up the stairs.
“Why don’t you get Tom to help you?” Asked the moving foreman, to which the man answered, “Tom is inside carrying the clothes.”