The police officer: “You were exceeding the speed limit, ma’am, weren’t you?”
The driver: “Yes, I was, sir, but you see my brakes are so bad that I wanted to get home before I had an accident.”

“How long will be the next bus be, Officer?”
“About eight yards, sir.”

Customer: This loaf is lovely and warm!
Baker: So it should be ma’am. The cat’s been sitting on it all morning!

“How should I have played that last shot?” the bad golfer asked his partner.
“Under an assumed name.”