I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Did you hear about the skunk that went to church?
“He had his own pew.”

Did you hear about the snail that got beat up by two turtles?

At the police station they asked him, “Did you get a good look at the turtles that did this?"

He said, “No, it all happened so fast.”

Why can’t you have two elephants in your swimming pool at the same time?
Because they’d only have one pair of trunks.