A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." 
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" 
Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." 
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple." 

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." 
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" 
Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." 
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple." 

Quick Wit: 
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. 
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain,". 
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..." 
"But officer, I just wanted to say...." 
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" 
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." 
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom." 

Minds are like parachutes.they only work when they're open
Money is like a promise, easier made than kept