Mr. Benson: "Honey, have you seen the newspaper."

Mrs. Benson: "I wrapped the garbage in it."

Mr. Benson: "Oh, but I had wanted to see it."

Mrs. Benson: "Oh, there wasn't much the see, just a banana peel and some old coffee filters."

Harold: "That singer has a terrible voice. Who is she, anyway?"

Joe: "She's my wife."

Harold: "Well, uhm, uh, I didn't really mean her voice, I meant the awful music she has to sing. Who wrote it, anyway?"

Joe: "I did."

Bob and George are golfing, when a bird flies overhead. "Wow! What a big duck!" Bob says. "That's no duck, it's a goose." George says.

"No, it's a duck!" Bob says. "I say it's a goose!" George says. And so the argument went. "Duck!" "Goose!" "Duck!" "Goose!" "Duck!" "Goose!"

Another golfer behind them, playing the hole, yells, "Fore!" and hits the ball.

Bob sees the ball coming and yells, "Duck!"

George yells back, "Goose!"

BONK.

The old lady had a parrot who had never spoken a word in eight years. She had tried everything she could think of to teach him to speak, from reading books, magazines and newspapers to him, playing the radio and TV around him, and inviting friends over for a chat, but nothing ever seemed to change.

One day, the lady was working in her garden; the parrot's cage was right by a nearby window. Suddenly, lo and behold, the parrot yelled, "Look out!"

Unfortunately, the lady didn't hear him and was immediately chased away by a swarm of angry bees. The parrot tsks and shakes his head indignantly. "Eight years she spends teaching me to talk and then I can't get her to listen."