"I've created a new computer that is almost human."

"You mean that it can think, feel and reason just like a human would?"

"No, but when it makes a mistake it blames it on another computer."

I stayed an a little country cottage during my spring vacation; my landlady kept animals.

On the first day, one of her chickens died, so we had roast chicken for dinner.

On the second day, one of her pigs died, so we had honey baked ham for dinner.

On the third day, one of her sheep died, so we had lamb chops for dinner.

On the fourth day, her husband died, so I left before dinner.

As Farmer Giles goes out to his barn one morning, he notices, to his shock, that his cow has been painted purple. Seeing a trail of footprints leading to the house next door, he angrily storms over to the house and beats on the door. "All right, are you the one who painted my cow purple?"

Upon hearing no answer, Giles becomes even angrier and begins beating even harder on the door. "I SAID, ARE YOU THE DIRTY ROTTEN SCOUNDREL WHO PAINTED MY COW PURPLE?!"

The door slowly opens and a large man walks out; his expression is as dark and craggy as a mine shaft and he is about twice Giles' size. "Yeah, I done it," he says in a voice that sounds like the rumble of thunder. "Yer cow's mooin' kept me awake all night so I painted her purple. What of it?"

Giles shudders, laughs nervously, then replies, "Just wanted to let you know that the first coat was dry."

A man was walking through an old mansion in the middle of the night when he met with a ghost.

"I have been traveling through these corridors for 300 years," the ghost said.

"In that case," the man replied, "can you show me the way to the bathroom?"