Your dog's barking at the back door. Your spouse's barking at the front. Who do you let in?

Well, it's your call, but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in.

A young seminary student went home for Christmas break. A horrible snowstorm stranded the regular minister in another town. The leaders of the congregation asked the young man to substitute for the regular minister.

The young preacher started his sermon by explaining the meaning of a substitute. "If you break a window," he said, "and then place a piece of plywood over the hole -- that's a substitute."

After the sermon, a well-intentioned woman wished to compliment the young man. As she enthusiastically shook his hand, she said: "You were no substitute. You were a real pane!"

I was on family leave, spending my days caring for my two-year-old son while pregnant with my second. To kill some time, I began watching the Game Show Network, and I got hooked. One afternoon my husband came home from work to find the house in complete disarray and I plopped in front of the TV. "So that's what you do while I'm at work?" he said smirking.

"I just happened to have it on," I lied.

The next day we were watching the President give a speech. As he stepped out of his car and waved to his cheering supporters, my son shouted, "Look, Mommy, he won the car!"

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the sunny Caribbean. They were discussing their great vacations when the lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

That is quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer, quite puzzled, asked, "How do YOU start a flood?"