Two children went into their parent's bathroom and noticed the scale in the corner.

"Whatever you do," cautioned one child to the younger one, "don't step on it!"

"Why not?" asked the sibling.

"Because every time mom does, she lets out an awful scream!"

The boss is finally old enough to retire from the company. On his last day of work, he ordered a farewell party for himself. The boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card, so later he could remember how his staff would "miss" him. Most people are writing standard phrases like, Without you, the company will never be the same... We will always remember you... etc.

Obviously the boss was not satisfied. "I need something from the bottom of your heart, something really touching, you know. Okay, John, you have been working with me for the last 20 years. You are my best staff. I am retiring now. What do you have to say?"

Slowly but firmly, John wrote, "The best news in 20 years!"

My husband's expanding waistline was a sore subject, but I could no longer ignore it, especially since he's still young and handsome.

"Honey," I said, using a seductive voice, "If you lose 20 pounds, I promise to dance for you."

Using his sarcastic voice, he shot back, "Lose ten pounds and I'll watch."

While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband.

When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.

"I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit PERFECTLY around his neck."