I decided to stop worrying about my teenage son's driving and take advantage of it.
I got one of those bumper stickers that say, "How's my driving?" and put a 900 number on it.
"At 50 cents a call, I've been making $38 a week!"
A husband took his young daughter to the grocery store with him. In addition to the healthful items on the carefully prepared shopping list, they returned with a box of sugar-laden cookies.
The man noticed the glare of his wife and said, "This box of cookies has one-third fewer calories than usual."
"Why is that?" the mother asked.
"We ate a third of the cookies on the way home," he replied.
"I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?"
"Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win...
If I was late to work, I was hostile.
If I was early, I had an anxiety complex.
If I was on time, I was compulsive."
Our catering manager lacks certain social skills...like knowing when to keep her mouth shut. While discussing a baby christening party with a young couple, she told the mother, "You look like you've lost most of your pregnancy weight."
"Thanks," came the clenched-teeth reply. "We adopted."