Why did the itsy-bitsy spider run up the water spout?

He heard a tech company executive was there hiring web designers.

(Me) Now that I’m retired I finally have my very own 'Command Center'!

(Wife) It looks like a lazy boy recliner, a TV remote and a half eaten bag of Cheetos on an end table to me!

(Me) It’s a clandestine operation so don’t tell anyone!

(Wife) Don’t worry I won’t tell a soul! Just to clear things up though, is the arm chair law practice and the sports announcing gig a secret too?

At 2:15 AM a man was pulled over by the police for having a burned out tail light. The officer discovered that a dog was sitting behind the steering wheel the car and the man sitting next to him had obviously been drinking.

The officer said, "What is going on here and why is a dog in the driver’s seat?"

The man replied, "I really don't know officer, I guess he took my keys."

Two guys were sitting at the bar. One of them said, “A lady has invited me to brunch tomorrow but I know nothing of proper table etiquette."

“What do you want to know?" asked the other one.

“Well, um… for example what goes better with waffles, red or white wine?”

"Is it too late to cancel?"