A man and his wife are talking:

Man - "What would happen if I were to win the lottery?"

Woman - "I would take half and leave you in a heartbeat!"

Man - "I won twelve dollars, here's six now get out!"

How do Spanish cows say thanks for the food that he eats?

“Moo-chas Grass-ias!”

I have so much debt...

I can start a government.

Told my wife I was going to start smoking pot.

She said if I did she was going to leave me.

That's proof that it gets rid of aches and pains!