I didn't mean to gain all this weight. It happened by snaccident.

Little Johnny: I’m not going back to school anymore.

Mom: Why not?

Little Johnny: On Monday the teacher said that four and four make eight. On Tuesday she said six and two make eight. Today she said five and three make eight. I’m not going back until she makes up her mind.

Guest to the waiter: "Can you bring me what the lady at the next table is having?"

Waiter: "Sorry, sir, but I'm pretty sure she wants to eat it herself."

“He’s great on the court,” a sportswriter said of a college basketball player in an interview with his coach, “but how’s his scholastic work?”

“Why, he makes straight A’s,” replied the coach.

“Wonderful!” said the sportswriter.

“Yes,” agreed the coach, “but his B’s are a little crooked.”