How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

It depends on how many it took under the previous government.

I’m not interested in any diet plan...

Unless of course it lets me use rollover calories!

A commercial boasted that its product could help people live pain-free in their golden years.

“Am I in my golden years?” my wife asked.

“Not at all,” I assured her. “But you are yellowing fast.”

My wife is a compulsive shopper.

She likes to buy everything that’s marked down.

Last night she brought home an escalator!