I’m employed at a computer security company and have a colleague whose name is M. Alware. His e-mail address is malware@company.com.

My ex-boss’s name is R. Stone. His e-mail was stoner@company.co.in.

My name is James Pan. Every other permutation of my name was taken (e.g., jpan, jamesp), so I’m stuck with japan@university.edu.

During basic training, our drill sergeant asked for a show of hands of all Jewish personnel. Six of us raised our hands. Much to our relief, we were given the day off for Rosh Hashanah.

A few days later in anticipation of Yom Kippur, the drill sergeant again asked for all Jewish personnel to ID themselves. This time, every soldier raised his hand.

"Only the personnel who were Jewish last week can be Jewish this week," declared the sergeant.

Bacon was definitely the 
first-round draft pick in the BLT...

No one’s building a sandwich around lettuce!

I was on my way out of the house to meet with a cantankerous client, and I was dreading it. The look on my face must have given me away because my four-year-old daughter asked what was wrong.

"I’m going to meet a woman who always yells at Daddy," I told her.

"Oh," she said. "Say hi to Mommy for me."