My friend Mac didn’t think he was fat...

Till the woman in McDonald’s said: “Sorry about your weight.”

A friend of mine got kidnapped by a group of mimes...

They did unspeakable things to him!

I now know how it will end for me...

One of my kid's will unplug my life support to charge their phone.

My new girlfriend told me I'm terrible in bed.

I told her it's unfair to make a judgement in less than a minute.