A cop pulls a car over on the highway for speeding.
When he asks for the driver's license, the driver argued, "Speeding? But officer, I was only trying to keep a safe distance between my car the the car behind me!"
A lonely kayaker wrote to a dating service explaining that he had specific criteria for a potential mate and would not accept anyone that doesn't meet his standard.
He described what his future soulmate should be like: the young lady must be cute, short, enjoys cold water and paddling.
A couple of weeks later he received the following in the mail: a picture of a penguin.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin’ Catholic.
"Hello," exclaimed Jenkins, as he met his friend Jones. "You're looking a bit off color. Anything wrong?"
"I'm afraid there is," replied Jones, "I've had to give up drinking, smoking and gambling."
"Well, I must say that's all to your credit," commended Jenkins.
"Oh, no, it isn't," snapped Jones. "Its due to my lack of credit."