My wife asked me today if I had seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn’t know he could!
My wife just called me pretentious.
I was so surprised my monocle fell out.
A traveling salesman was held up by a bad storm in the Hawaiian Islands.
He sent an e-mail to his corporate headquarters advising them that he was stranded for a few days and requested instructions.
The reply came back shortly: "Begin vacation as of yesterday."
I'm an atheist 11 months out of the year, but in December...
I'm eggnogstic.