What do you call a professional you hire to put someone down?

An Insultant.

I saw a contractor's truck that offered free quotes.

So I asked for one.

He said, "To be or not to be, that is the question."

I think the whole "Autumn-is-in-the-air" theme has gone too far.

Today I went to Jiffy Lube and they offered me a "Cinnamon Spice" oil change.

A man walks into a bar and orders the latest, seasonal beer.

He takes one gulp and nearly chokes. “This beer goes down like sandpaper!” he yells.

“Of course,” replies the bartender, “it’s only a rough draft.”