religious jokes

Monday morning a man bumped into the priest, “Good morning Father, you should know, I was by your sermon yesterday, and I couldn't fall asleep last night!"

“Why what was it that I said?" asked the priest.

“Oh no, I wasn't listening to what you said, I slept the whole way through."

3 men decided to confess their most intimate secrets about themselves to each other to lessen their load of guilt.

Man #1 said that he had a gambling problem, so every night he would sneak out to go the casino.

Man #2 said that he was a cheater and would cheat at about anything or anyone.

Man #3 said that he was a gossiper and couldn't wait to get back into town to tell everyone about their secrets.

It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn't been able to think of a sermon for the next morning. About 9:00 p.m. he finally said to his wife, "Dear, I think I've come up with the perfect sermon! I'm going to give a sermon about horseback riding!"

She said, "Don't be silly! You can't give a sermon about horseback riding!"

He replied, "Well, it's going to have to do because I've preached on just about every other subject I can think of."

The next morning as they were driving to church, she said, "I can't believe that you're insisting on doing this! You know, If you're going to give that silly sermon on horseback riding, I'm just going to stay in the car during the service."

He said, "OK, then, suit yourself!", so she stayed in the car.

Entering church before the service, the preacher had a sudden inspiration and gave a hell-fire and brimstone sermon on SEX that just had the congregation in awe. As the congregation filed out of the church, some of he members saw his wife sitting in the car and approached her window. One of them said, "Wow! you just missed the best sermon your husband has EVER given!"

She said, "Yeah, right! What does he know about it! He talks big but he's only tried it twice in his life! "Once before we were married and once after, and he fell off both times!"

Christian Football Definitions:

Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.

Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.

Half-time - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.

Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.

Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.

Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.

Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.

Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.

Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime."

Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.

End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.

Flex Defence - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.

Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.

Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.