Best Jokes

The Substitute Tooth Fairy

I was leaving for a two-day conference, and my seven-year-old daughter, Katherine, was becoming overly clinging and teary. I was mystified at her emotional reaction until I heard her say to my husband, "Daddy, I have a loose tooth. If it falls out while Mommy is gone, do you know how to handle this tooth fairy thing?"

A guy thought he was dead, but in reality he was very much alive.
His hallucination became a real problem for his family and they finally took him to see a psychiatrist. After spending many laborious sessions trying to convince the guy he was still alive, the psychiatrist tried one last approach. He opened his medical book and proceeded to show the man that dead men don’t bleed. After a mind-numbing study, the man seemed convince that dead men don’t bleed, and the psychiatrist asked: “Do you now agree that dead men don’t bleed?” “Yes I do” the man replied. “Very well, then,” the psychiatrist said. He took out a pin and pricked the man’s finger. Out came a drop of blood. The doctor asked. “What does that tell you?” “Oh my goodness!” The patient exclaimed as he stared doubtfully at his finger…. “Dead men do bleed!!”

This guy pulls into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure his dog had fresh air. The dog was stretched out in the back seat, and the guy wanted to impress upon he that he must remain there. The guy walked to the curb backward, pointing his finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!” The driver of a nearby car gave the guy a startled look “I don’t know about you, man,” he said incredulously. “But I usually just put my car in park.”

A guest in a posh hotel comes down to breakfast and called over the head waiter and read from the menu “I’d like one under cooked egg so that it’s running, and one over cooked egg that it’s tough and hard to eat. I’d also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it’s impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee.” that’s a complicated order sir, said the bewildered waiter. “It might be quite difficult.” The guest replied sarcastically, “It can’t be that difficult because that’s exactly what you brought me yesterday!”