A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour , sir ."

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting his wife says: "Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

His wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. "

His wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat-belt on. You never wear your seat-belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?? "

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am? "

"Only when he's been drinking!"

The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy, and one of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas.

One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday. In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left.

So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church.

That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.

The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"

One evening I was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum walked up to me and asked me for two dollars.

First I asked him, "Will you buy booze?"

The bum replied, "No."

Then I asked, "Will you gamble it away?"

The bum said, "No."

After giving the bum the two dollars that he had asked for, I asked the bum, "Now, will you come home with me, so that my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"