Visitor: "Whats the wifi password?"
Priest: "Respect the dead."
Visitor: "All upper case?"
Father: Son, I donated all your toys to the children's home.
Son: Why did you do that?
Father: So you will not be bored there.
During her physical examination, a doctor asked a retired woman about her physical activity level. The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week, in the outdoors.
"Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the bathroom behind some big trees. I ran away from an irate mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered, so I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine."
Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one heck of an outdoor woman!"
"No," the woman replied, "I'm just a really bad golfer!"
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes...
He then said, " You know, one would have been enough."