elderly jokes

A security patrol officer in a senior gated community stopped an elderly gentleman in a speeding golf cart. "Sir, do you know your wife fell out of your golf cart when you hit that last speed bump?"

"Oh, that is wonderful officer", replied. "I am so relieved."

"Didn't you hear me? Your wife fell out of the cart!" the officer said in astonishment.

"You don't understand, I could not hear a thing for the last ten minutes... I thought I had gone deaf."

'Old' is when...

...your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

...your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

...a pretty lady catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.

...you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

...you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

...when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

...when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

..."getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

..."getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

... an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!

A retired couple are discussing all aspects of their future. The man asked the woman, "What will you do if die?"

After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then she inquired, "What will you do if I die first?"

He replied, "Probably the same thing."

An elegant older lady is ushered into the most prestigious party at the country club. This is the first time out making an appearance since the wedding. Her new husband just happens to be the founder & president of the club.

When she came into view, there was a low hum among the other women as they gathered round full of questions, especially about the HUGE diamond on her finger. The madame tried to be nice about it all but was getting a little annoyed with all the busy bodies. She told them that the diamond was the Cloppman Diamond and it came with a curse.

Now the hum was getting louder as they wanted to know what the curse was.

She responded, matter of factly, "Mr. Cloppman!"