holiday jokes

So every morning a husband would wake up in the morning and pass gas really loud. The wife told him one day if you keep that up you are going fart out your guts.

The husband said no way it is impossible. Well this went on for along time.

Finally the wife was cooking Thanksgiving dinner and while she was taking all the guts out of the bird she had an Idea. She sneaked in there bedroom and stuffed all the turkey guts in his underwear.

The next morning she heard him wake up and fart really loud. After that it was quiet for some time.

Then her hubby came down and said, "You where right I did fart out my guts. But thank goodness I was able stuff them all back in!"

As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was.

"Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right."

Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up.

"They're from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."

In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue...........

And in 1495 his luggage and baggage finally arrived.

One Halloween a man was walking down the street and heard a thumping noise behind him. Looking behind him he saw a coffin following him, upright. He was a bit nervous and began walking a little bit faster. The coffin continued, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump". He began running and the coffin kept up and began opening and closing, ""thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap". Terrified he ran to his front door, and went inside, slamming the door and locking it. The coffin continued, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump - CRASH" it came right through the door, He ran up the stairs, and right behind him, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap". He rushed into the bathroom and slammed the door, but the coffin broke through the door - "thumpety thump, thumpety thump crash". Terrified the man grabbed the first thing he could, a bottle of robutusin and threw it - and the coffin stopped!